♪ CREEL SISTERS: "Stop the Clock Rock"
Hey!
Hey. Hey.
Better luck next time, Jill. Come on.
So, the geriatric diapers will now be kept
in the east wing closet.
Nice of you to join us, Stevie.
Sorry, Gwenny, bus was late.
As usual!
Finally, for personal reasons,
Seaton will no longer perform duties
related to patients' feet.
- Any other general business... - Yes, Gwen. Thanks.
Uh...
After years of struggling with my sexuality, I uh...
..I feel that it's important to let you all know that um...
..I am a foot fetishist.
Oh, boy!
(LAUGHS)
God, that's so good!
Say you've got a foot fetish,
get you out of clipping toenails!
Mwah!
Why didn't you think of that? Classic!
Gwenny, I've actually got a big poo fetish,
so, no more bed pans for me!
- Oh, my, that's... - I think I speak for everyone
when I say um...
(CLEARS THROAT) ..congratulations on coming out.
It was a real uh... feat of bravery.
Ah.
"Feet" of bravery. I see what you did there.
Thank you.
AJ: Cuck?
Wait, is that really what we're calling it?
I know, it's terrible.
But don't worry, it's just for the press release.
It's a working title.
"Creator, writer, actor."
Oh, my God.
Gotta love that triple paycheque.
Yeah.
Ah, you left your address blank.
Hm?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
So I have. Yeah.
I mean, what's an address?
AJ, please tell me that I am not staking a major TV project
on someone who is homeless.
Oh, hey, hey, I'm not homeless, alright?
I'm actually staying in a friend's spare room.
It's kinda like a small spare house.
It's a caravan.
Oh! Look at you,
already doing better than most Australian actors.
Just put your parents' address.
N-o-o-o.
Um... My dad will freak
if my mail ends up there, and uh... and he's got this look.
When I get that look,
I know deep in my bones, I've fucked up.
Right. Is this the look?
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, by the way, the network's thinking Gemma Hoffs
for Liv's character.
Reality TV Gemma Hoffs?
Influencer Gemma Hoffs?
Gemma Hoffs, always has a towel around her head,
talking about hand creams in her latest post, Gemma Hoffs?
Mm. Yeah, I hear you, but here's the thing, AJ,
Gemma Hoffs has an address.
I mean, exactly. Like, what the actual fuck?
He described a foot fetish as his sexuality.
Your sexuality, it's not about what weird shit you like,
it's about what kind of person you like!
Like, some guys like guys
and some girls like football players.
I would have quit, but I just...
I need the overtime.
Hey, tell me if this is real or not.
Mm-hm.
"Large bedroom, own balcony, modern terrace,
"heart of the city.
"$250 a week."
- Fucking bullshit! - Right?
That's a no. That's a trap.
But I'm going to the inspection tomorrow.
- What's wrong with the C-van? - The plumbing doesn't work.
I can't be making a TV show and showering with a bucket.
(PHONE CHIMES) Showering! You've changed.
(GASPS) Aunty Bevvy just messaged me.
Oh, my God, look.
The Big Bilby's closing down.
Oh, my God! I have four months
before they're melting it down into chunky hoop earrings!
Fuck!
You think that's bad, read this from Miranda.
The press release is out.
"Former radio personality AJ Amon
"has been given the green light
for his relationship comedy, Cuck."
I love that title.
It's good.
"The autobiographical series will follow Amon
"after he discovers his girlfriend of ten years
"has betrayed him with his best friend."
Jesus Christ!
Ah.
I know, Liv's gonna be so pissed.
No, I'm just like...
..where's the mention of your beautiful, witty female BFF?
Like, you're very forgettable without me.
(SALSA MUSIC)
(SINGS IN PORTUGUESE)
Have I ever mentioned my full-blown fetish
for Latin men with guitars?
Maybe I'll announce it at the staff meeting on Tuesday.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL SING IN PORTUGUESE)
(SINGS IN PORTUGUESE)
(MUSIC AND SINGING FADE)
What the fuck?
Hello!
Hey!
Hang on, hang on.
Um...
Is still OK if we move into your caravan, right?
- Oh. - Hang on.
You said last night.
Um...
Yeah, so, fellas, I'm not really um...
..set up for tenants right now, so, I'm sorry, but no.
It's not like we've got a lease or anything, so...
Oh, we don't? Hm?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah. Yeah, that seems pretty watertight.
- OK. - Mm-hm.
- (MEN SPEAK IN PORTUGUESE) - Fuck it. Um...
OK.
Rent for the first week.
And... beers for the bond.
OK. OK.
But you guys are gonna have to move out
the second I save up for a car,
because I'm taking your house to Bundoona,
and I am on a time crunch.
OK. Yeah.
Gonna see The Big Bilby.
- (CONFUSED CHATTER) - See?
Big Bilby.
- Big Bil... "Bilbly". STEVIE: OK.
- Mi casa, su casa. MAN: Whoo-hoo!
(MEN LAUGH)
MAN: Let's go! - OK.
(DRUMMING)
Christ!
(DRUMMING CONTINUES)
Oh, man!
(DRUMMING CONTINUES)
- Yeah! - Oh, morning, honey.
- Did we wake you? - Yeah, just a bit.
MAN: Hey! - Hey, hey, what's up? Yeah.
Good gig last night, guys. You guys killed it.
Whoa. Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
You actually got me then. That hurt a bit.
Alright, I'm gonna go check out this room, so...
STEVIE: No, stay.
No, you just keep me updated on...
(CAR HORN HONKS) ..this.
- I might be busy. DEZZ: AJ! 'Sup?
AJ: Later, Dezz. - Dezzy, my man!
DEZZ: You're still here, boys? - You are Dezzy!
And you are vascular!
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
MAN: Thanks for letting us stay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Legal!
- No worries, man. MAN: You're a legend!
- Stevie, shall we...? - Yeah?
Can you just give us a quick hand?
- Yeah. MAN: Come here, beautiful.
- Yeah, I'll be back. MAN: OK.
You're my compadre.
(LAUGHS)
Two seconds.
Before you get jealous, I only fucked one of them,
and they didn't sell me any... any stuff.
What the fucking fuck, mate?
They're cozzers, Stevie! They're narcs!
- They're surveilling me. - They're not cops, Dezzy.
How am I supposed to watch the new season of My Dog is a Chef?
From now on, if you need me, you don't call me,
you don't e-mail me, you don't text.
You want some gear, send me a fax.
Cops don't scan for them.
They can't be bothered.
Oh, yeah, and those uh...
..three amigos, they're gone today.
Oh, no, I could really use that Brazilian rent money, dude.
Don't care.
Mate, doesn't this look a bit suss, though,
if I break their lease?
Fuck!
You're right. You're right.
Yeah, at least while they're here,
I can keep my ear to the ground, see if anything's going down.
'Cause nothing's louder than Brazilians at a campsite.
(WHIRRING AND BEEPING) What was that?
(LINE SCREECHES)
It's just connecting to the phone line.
Shit. I was really...
- Pretty hot for cops. - That's what I'm saying, dude,
they're not.
I've fucked a cop.
He had, like, a dad bod.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
AJ, right?
I just heard about the new TV show.
Congrats.
Oh. Thanks.
Oh, wait, is this for the room?
Oh, OK.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
You right there?
- Sorry. - What?
Y-you don't remember me?
We tried to buy the same dildo at the...
(whispers) ..you know, at the sex shop.
Oh, yeah.
Tell your girlfriend
I said thank you for the recommendation.
She uh... She really knows her vibrators.
No, no, no, trust me, Stevie is just a friend.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you for your interest
in our humble little abode.
My name is Turren.
This is Eadie and Piper.
Now, before we begin, we'd like to acknowledge
the traditional custodians of the land, the Gadigal people.
Oh, wow.
We pay our respects to the elders,
both past, present and future,
to the housemates who have come before us,
and to those who will join us in the future.
One of whom is standing in this very group!
Yeah!
Now, before we begin in earnest,
we ask that you check in on Facebook.
Just search for "Darlington Abbey".
(AS MAGGIE SMITH): Yes, that's right, we are a BBC family here.
(LAUGHS)
TURREN: Maggie Smith, he got it.
TURREN: Alright, now, let's get
a sense of your taste. (PHONE RINGS)
Papa vs Pretty on the left
and The Preatures on the right.
What's your jam, guys?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You're cut.
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
The rest of you, well done!
Good luck.
Come on in! Yeah!
See you later, you tasteless philistines!
MAN: See you later, guys. Sorry.
You're welcome.
WOMAN: Am I?
TURREN: Now, help yourselves, guys. Dig in.
This dinner party simulation is designed
for us to get to know you a little bit better
in a more organic and authentic, naturalistic setting.
Now, we'll be asking a couple of questions,
but remember, there are no wrong answers.
So, Genevieve, first question.
You're going on a road trip in a Toyota Tarago.
You have seven seats.
Who do you invite?
OK, so, my best friend Roger is in the front with me.
Hey! Yes!
And then we've got Grace Kelly in the back, and then Kanye...
No. Get out.
You said there were no wrong answers.
Get out of my house.
Charlie, you go to do a load of washing,
but someone else's washing is in there, wet.
What do you do?
Well, I take their load out, put mine on
and hang them both out together.
Do you use pegs?
Absolutely not.
You get those cheap indentation marks on your t-shirt.
- That was an easy one. - You'd totally use pegs.
Jacob, three words to describe yourself.
Uh...
Mirthful.
Laidback.
Byzantine.
Oh!
AJ, what is the last text message you received,
and from whom?
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"I can't believe you'd do this to me. Call me now.
"We need to talk."
(Whispers) Drama.
Uh... It's my...
..dad's girlfriend.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I forgot to let the chickens out this morning.
EADIE: Oh.
EADIE: Roger, shoot, marry, kill...
"A vehicle making a U-turn must give way to:
"oncoming traffic only,
"overtaking traffic only,
"or all vehicles and pedestrians?"
Oncoming traffic only.
- You just hit a pedestrian. - Fuck!
Did I see, like, brains hit the ground and stuff?
- Yes, you did. - Oh, my God!
- That's the worst part. - It was hit-and-run.
- Have I run? - You ran.
- Classic. - It was your soulmate.
I'm never gonna get my L's.
Nope. Never. Never gonna get your L's.
- Sorry. - (STEVIE SIGHS)
Who's that?
It's Seaton.
Do you feel, like, weird and self-conscious now around him,
with your feet?
Well...
..just between us,
I messaged him to say congrats for coming out, or whatever,
and he replied, saying...
Hang on.
"Thanks. I hope this doesn't freak you out,
"but I've always admired your feet."
Shut up!
And then a foot emoji.
- What a wanker! - (SHARON LAUGHS)
Deirdre got, "#BunionsAreBeautiful."
- She didn't? - And they're fucking ugly.
- They're disgusting! - The guy's a freak!
He's a freak. He'll go for anything.
So, he messaged both of you last night about your feet?
(SIGHS) Look, I know it's not feminist-y, or whatever,
but the truth is, it-it...
..it put a kind of little hop in my step.
I-I feel kind of... I feel kinda sexy.
I mean, at first, I was like, "Is this kind of..."
- What's the word? - "Inappropriate".
But then I thought,
it's kind of like when you go to a gay club
and gay dudes kiss you on the mouth, just for a laugh.
Like, is it...
..um... assault?
- Yeah. - No.
- No.
- Technically. - Yeah.
- Technically. - Yeah?
But it's harmless. Harmless!
It's just... kissing and... and tongues everywhere.
And sweaty bodies.
So, do you think he's messaged everyone about their feet?
Well...
Look, I noticed
that Gwen had a brand-new pair of shoes on yesterday,
so... you do the math.
Fuck's sake!
(GROWLS)
What's wrong with these?
(GROWLS)
TURREN: Time!
Stop.
No, no, no, no!
Are you kidding me?!
We don't put the Santoku knife in the dishwasher!
No, you're out! Get out!
Duh!
TURREN: Next. - Go!
OK, OK, just so you know, I am dissolving our alliance.
It is every man for himself
on whether to use detergent on the cast-iron pots.
Works for me. I will happily throw you under the bus
to get this room.
- Oh, good to know. - Mm-hm.
Oh, and if he asks, definitely use dishwashing powder.
Yeah, it never turns into a big brick (!)
Uh... AJ.
You have a visitor.
Already.
- What? What? - Go on.
Go!
Hi!
- How did you know I was here? - Fucking Darlington Abbey
is more important than taking my phone calls?
- Shh. - OK, I'm trying really hard
to understand.
I want to understand, AJ.
Why would you make a television show about us?
It's not about us, it's-it's a comedy,
loosely based on a similar situation.
Oh, OK.
'Cause it's just the article used the word "autobiographical"
and then went on to precisely fucking describe our lives.
I want to live in this country, AJ.
I can't have everyone thinking that I'm a raging cunt!
Whoa. Whoa!
Firstly, not everyone will see it.
The thing is, I know you.
You will make a show about how you're the victim.
The poor fucking saint,
who was destroyed by his evil slag of a girlfriend.
Evil sl...
The girlfriend character is not even in it that much.
I'm having a baby, AJ.
Please don't drag me back to a past that I'm ashamed of.
How is everything going with the pregnancy?
Yeah, it's good.
I had an ultrasound last week.
Got a...
..a squashed close-up of the baby's face.
Henry thinks it looks like Martin Scorsese.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Right. "It"?
Yeah, we want it to be a surprise.
Don't make a show about me, AJ, OK?
Look, Liv, I get why you are worried.
So, I will run everything past you, if that's what you want.
You can veto anything you don't like, you know?
Oh uh...
If the network says Gemma Hoffs is gonna play you...
What?!
- Gemma fucking Hoffs? - You don't like Gemma Hoffs?
She's gone.
See? See what I mean? That's what I-I can do,
I can just make that happen.
You cannot make me into some ball-breaking devil woman.
We won't.
I won't.
If you fuck me on this, AJ,
- I swear to God... - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
You have nothing to worry about. Everything goes past you.
It said "dishwasher safe". It said "dishwasher safe"!
Oh, guys, come on! What?
Oh, what? No!
(MAN GROANS)
- I've gotta go. - Yeah.
Yeah.
STEVIE: OK, clutch in, first gear.
Ease it off. Bit of throttle.
Clutch in, second gear.
Check your mirrors.
SEATON: What are you doing?
- I'm practising. - Mm-hm?
Clutch in, back to first gear.
Indicate. Take the corner.
Brake for the corner. Clutch in.
Ooh...
- What the fuck, Stevie? - "What the fuck", you!
Why didn't you message me about my feet?
- What? - "What?"
You're a real fucking pervert. Do you know that?
Messaging Deirdre about her bunions.
Her bunions!
I have a tidy set of size sevens, mwah, just right here.
Gorgeous!
I've had a Shanghai foot scrub, I've had the lot!
I could be a foot model in Asia.
W-w-what do you think...
Wait, do you want me to... with your feet?
No, I actually don't want you to, with my feet, I just...
I'm just feeling a little bit left out
and I would like you to like to.
- OK, I don't need to hear this. - No, you do need to hear this.
Just listen. You've got a kink, you don't have to tell everyone.
I mean, I have masturbated over the dragons from Game of Thrones
three times.
Have I mentioned that to anyone at a staff meeting?
OK, this is hate speech.
- No, it's not hate speech! - Yeah, it is!
Fucking snowflake.
I would not wipe my arse with this shit.
It's full of pollutants and carcinogens.
What are you,
some sort of environmental toilet paper expert?
Sort of.
I'm an emissions trader.
Yeah, you don't know what that is, do you?
No.
OK, so, governments give companies
a certain amount of CO2 credits,
and if they exceed that amount,
other companies can sell them theirs.
I am the middle man.
Oh! So, you're just making money off fossil fuels
and the pricks that keep using them.
- That's ice-cold, my friend. - Pretty much.
But I can guarantee you, I am doing more for the environment
than any kombucha-drinking, hemp-wearing Millennial.
- What do you do? - Oh um...
I'm about to make a TV show.
That's what all that stuff out there was about.
What... What, something happened outside?
This entire group of people definitely didn't notice.
(TOILET FLUSHES AND DOOR OPENS)
EADIE: Incorrect! You're out.
Come on.
Oh! Hey, Annalisa, what did you do?
Did you put the toilet paper on the outside
or did you put it under, so that it faced the wall?
No, neither. I thought it was a trick question,
so I just put the toilet roll on top of the toilet.
- Oh, no. - You can't do that.
- No. - Guys, this was my last hope.
I have to live with my parents now!
AJ: Ooh.
What a dum-dum.
It's under.
Everybody knows it's under. It makes more sense...
..for the scrunch.
As you pull, the soft outer layer
- becomes perfect for the wipe. - Yeah?
Yeah?
What if you don't scrunch, huh? What about folding?
- Most people fold. - Hey. He's psyching you out.
It goes over.
- Of course it does. EADIE: Get out!
- You've got this. Come on. EADIE: Bloody idiot!
Right, who's next?
(SIGHS)
GWEN: Stevie. - Yes?
Seaton has issued a formal complaint,
accusing you of bullying.
Wow.
I'm bullying him?
Wow! What about the inappropriate messages
he's been sending everyone about their feet?
Yes, well, no-one complained about that,
and from what I understand,
you didn't receive such a text message.
Oh, does that matter,
when I know that this...
..this sexual deviant is just out here,
just, like, roaming the halls, lah, lah, lah, lah,
just looking at everyone's little feet
when they're trying to work?!
See, Gwen, that type of language
is exactly what I'm talking about.
(MOCKING): "That type of language."
I can hear that now. Thank you, Seaton.
Stevie, I am issuing you with a formal warning
for kink shaming.
Your overtime will be restricted until further notice.
No. No, no, no.
Don't write that down. I need my overtime.
I cannot base my savings plan
entirely on a caravan filled with Brazilian men.
SEATON: Uh... Can I please go now, Gwen?
I'm very uncomfortable near her.
Yes. Yes, go.
- Please. - Thank you.
By the way, love the new shoes, Gwen.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Do you think he wants to fuck feet
or he wants feet to fuck him?
Could be either.
(ANGELIC SINGING)
(AJ CHUCKLES)
AJ: Look out!
Beautiful, isn't she?
JACOB: She certainly is.
So, you figured out it was over not under.
But I nearly had you there for a second, didn't I?
What about Charlie? Did she make it?
Top three, baby!
(CHUCKLES) Yes!
TURREN: Congrats on making the final round, guys.
One more round to go.
Winner takes all.
TURREN: Good luck.
It's locked.
"In Darlington Abbey, we say, 'Home is where the heart is.'
"Find the clues, locate the key
"and take your rightful place in our household."
Oh, yeah!
It's a motherfucking escape room!
- Let's do it. AJ: Jesus!
Do you think when anthropologists
study our generation,
they'll put escape rooms in the same category
as people who play real-life Quidditch?
Two-zero-one-eight.
And, yes, definitely.
Come on. What have you got?
Two-zero-one-eight. Same date as the wine.
Open it, open it, open it.
"They say, 'Home is where the heart is.'"
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit, it's over.
Yes!
Fucking... yes!
I dominated you motherfuckers!
Dominated!
- Sip? - Yeah.
Congrats, dickhead.
Now, I'd like you to get out of my room.
Thank you.
CHARLIE: So...
..I've forgotten your name.
Are you kidding me? We hung out all day.
Hey, I'm only asking again because I give a shit, so...
..are you gonna tell me?
It's AJ.
You know that room was east-facing, anyway?
I prefer rooms that are dark and hangover ready.
Mm. It's a shame, though. I wanted Sydney to work.
What do you mean?
I can do my job anywhere, so thinking I'm gonna move.
I hear Brisbane has more than one affordable share house
in the whole city, so...
Another beer?
- Yes. - Yes?
Definitely.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
AJ! It's Turren from Darlington Abbey.
Uh... Now, look, listen.
Um...
Turns out, Jacob was a total fucking psycho,
who somehow managed to slip past our diagnostics.
So... we'd like to offer you the room.
Oh.
Right.
TURREN:Both you and Charlie were great diversity options,
but I reckon having a person of colour
is gonna bring something more to the house
than, you know, just another woman.
So, what do you say?
You know what...
..I'm gonna pass.
TURREN:Really?
I was really interested to see what you'd bring
to our family Spotify algorithm.
Never mind, though. Bye!
A beer for the lady.
Well, cheers... AJ.
- Ah-J. - Just AJ.
Just AJ? Cool.
You don't have to make it exotic 'cause I'm brown.
It's fine. AJ.
Cheers, AJ.
(LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Sorry.
Hello?
TURREN:Charlie, it's Turren from Darlington Abbey.
Hey, Turren.
How are you going?
STEVIE:Hang on, you spent the whole day with this chick
and you didn't fuck her?
Nope!
Well, you've got to fuck her soon, mate,
because you do not have room in your life for two gal pals.
I'm serious.
Oh, that's good.
Did you hear from Liv about the show?
Um... Yeah.
And it's all good.
STEVIE:Oh, that's good. I'm glad for you, buddy.
Don't worry about painting the caravan,
the Brazilians did it.
So, yeah.
AJ:Oh, OK.
Anyway, I've really gotta go. Um...
I've got a lot on tonight. Really busy.
Yeah, no, I'd love to talk, but I can't.
OK.
- See you. AJ:Bye.
Christ, he goes on!
- Raimundo, beer-o. RAIMUNDO: Opa!
(WOMAN GROANS AND MOANS)
(MAN GROANS)
MAN: Who is it?
Oh. AJ, love, what a surprise.
AJ: Hi.
Hey um...
..can I stay here for a bit?
♪ REGURGITATOR: "Polyester Girl"
Sorry.
I'll just get these out of your way.
There we go.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Fuck.
(SIGHS)
Fuck!
DADDY MACK: AJ!
Sorry, Dad.